Learning to Value Myself Beyond Male Approval

Dictionary.com defines a male chauvinist as a man who patronizes, disparages, or otherwise denigrates females, believing them to be inferior to males and therefore deserving of less-than-equal treatment or benefit.

Our Journey

Tiffany and I had very different upbringings compared to our brothers, mostly because they were boys and we were girls. Tiffany and I were "fortunate" enough to be taught that we were meant to be seen and not heard. Our value was tied to our looks and our ability to care for men. These lessons were mostly instilled by our grandfather. While our father didn’t hold the same views, he still had his own beliefs. He told me that men only cared about one thing and that I couldn’t wear certain clothes because they would attract the wrong kind of attention. So, I had my father telling me to cover up, while my grandfather encouraged me to flaunt what I had. This was obviously confusing for me, but the rebel in me didn’t want to listen to my father. I dressed to get men’s approval and attention, because it was the only thing that seemed to matter.

My first serious relationship was centered around making my boyfriend happy—doing whatever he asked because, after all, he was the man in the relationship. What I wanted didn’t matter. I was constantly belittled about my looks, intelligence, and personality. Essentially, anything I could be criticized for. I spent all my time caring for him and trying to make him happy, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. But after four grueling years, I learned that I had value beyond what I could give to a man.

Now, over 10 years later, I’ve grown into a woman who’s not afraid to express how I really feel. I stand up for myself when I feel wronged, and I dress for myself, not for a man’s approval. I’ve learned more about myself as an adult than I ever did growing up, and I’m proud of the woman I’ve become.

Wisdom from the Journey: Lessons You Can Use

• Find Your Worth
  One of the first things I learned from that first relationship was that I did, in fact, have worth. I remember the day I finally broke and realized what was happening to me. He had been demanding that I write a school paper for him. While that wasn’t unusual—I was always doing my own work as well as his—it was the fact that he kept asking me to do it because he “didn't have money for a laptop.” I later discovered that this was a lie. He had thousands of dollars but didn’t want to buy one because he could get me to do his work.

  That was the moment I decided I was tired of being manipulated. I grabbed my laptop, said goodbye to his parents, and left. I blocked him on everything and didn’t give him another chance like I had after the million other breakups. I finally realized I didn’t need to give my all to someone who wouldn’t give me anything in return. I was smart, hardworking, and loved school. I wouldn't let someone else use that; I would use it for myself.

• Find Your Strengths
  One of my strengths at the time wasn’t emotional intelligence. I wasn’t able to communicate effectively with people. Rather than express my feelings, I would resort to fighting. Over time, through therapy, I learned how to communicate without starting arguments. Before therapy, humor was my go-to defense. When my grandfather made demeaning remarks, I would shoot back with a quick comment that often made him laugh, and it would be dropped. It wasn’t a solution to my problems, but it helped me cope at the time and kept me somewhat sane.

• Stand Up for Yourself
  Finding your worth and understanding your strengths will help you find your power. Once you have that power, use it to stand up for yourself. For me, it took therapy to learn how to do this effectively. Even now, I still have work to do. Instead of making a quick remark back to my grandfather when he commented on my looks, I learned to say, "I didn’t ask for your input. I dress for myself, not your approval. If I wanted your opinion, I would ask for it." I would then share my feelings and tell him that I wouldn’t stand for any more comments like that. When I finally drew that line, it took him aback, but he learned to respect it.

Pro Tips from Our Journey

• Discuss Your Feelings
  When you start standing up for yourself, be open and transparent about how the other person's actions make you feel. Don’t let anyone make you feel like your emotions are invalid or unimportant.

• Avoid Interruptions
  When voicing your feelings, others may try to interrupt or defend themselves. Set boundaries and let them know that you have a right to be heard. You deserve respect, just like anyone else, and if they can’t provide that, it’s their issue, not yours. Stand by your boundaries. If you say, "I can’t see you anymore because you don’t respect me," make sure they know you mean it.

• Compromise
  Sometimes, compromise can work. For example, you could say, “I don’t appreciate your comments about my looks, but I do appreciate when you comment on my creativity or intelligence.” Let them know that you’re looking for something more than just superficial praise.

I hope this blog helps you find your power and strength to stand up for yourself. If you know someone who could use help asserting their boundaries or saying no, share this blog with them. We all need to empower each other and have each other’s backs.